Some of the perils of fostering children - other adults in their lives

Child Protective Services are 100% in charge of when and where visits take place with family members.  In Miriam and Bryan’s case, their mother was incarcerated in a town 100 miles from our house.  There were friends of the family that were allowed visits and telephone calls.  Since the kids had been in one of the friend’s home previously as a foster parent, we were not concerned about visits.

Soon after the children had settled into a routine, the previous foster mother, I will call Elaine, wanted us to visit her family at their home.  Their home was about 60 miles away, but for the sake of the kids, we went ahead and planned the trip.  The children were placed in this woman’s home because Bryan had ingested some kind of amphetamine in his mother’s home.

We drove across the county to her home.  There was big bar-be-que party being held.  She had some of the children’s belongings and wanted to make sure we left with the items.

Just a few weeks before we met her and her daughter at a festival in Phoenix, but she consistently called our home and my cell phone.  I had hoped the visit to her home would establish a boundary.  Unfortunately when we arrived Elaine informed me that the biological mother would be calling from the jail.  I informed her that CPS had not authorized contact between the children and their mother.  She insisted and I resisted.  The phone rang, and sure enough, it was the bio mom.  I was shocked when Elaine put the phone in my face and said that Corrine (not her name of course) needed to speak to me.  So insulted and astonished I informed Elaine I was not comfortable speaking to her.  Elaine returned to the other room where we heard her plead with Corrine to not be mad at her.  That established a strained and unusual relationship between Elaine and me.

Later we endured more calls.  One call from Elaine insisted that we take a call from another friend of the family, Amanda (you get it now, I’m not using real names).  Miriam took a couple calls from her when she announced she really didn’t want to speak to her anymore.  When we asked why, she simply stated that “Amanda makes me feel sad”.  After a few days of avoiding Amanda’s calls, she caught me at work on my cell phone.  She had some stern words about what role I played as a foster mother.  She insisted that I made Miriam call me mom (I had not) and that Bryan probably calls me mom too (he didn’t, he called me what he called everything – doggie).  I gave her the whole psychology of a kid in care, yadda yadda.  She became angry and I told her I was ending the conversation.  I informed CPS of her actions and requested that we be able to end the calls.

A few days later, Amanda began the calls again.  This time we were called 30 times in 4 days.  I was sick in bed with a nasty sinus infection when the calls came in.  Finally James picked up the phone.  After 20 minutes of conversation he ascertained that she was an unlicensed attorney, she thought drug smuggling was as light a crime as speeding and she was going to put an end to all of this nonsense.  Worse thing we found out, she thought licensed foster homes were no better than baby sitters.  James asked her to no longer call us.

I spoke with Elaine after that conversation with Corrine and she denied knowing Corrine.  We decided she was a bit off and wanted to monitor her communications with Miriam.  We found out that she had an unusual connection to the children they did not have to her.  She said things to Miriam that made her very sad and refused to change her approach to the kids.  She even went as far as to invite herself to the first visit the children received permission for in 5 months.

One day she came to our home uninvited (remember how far away she lived?) when she knew James and I were not home and the kids were with a sitter.

We put an end to her visits and she requested the children be moved back to her home.  She was denied because she was an unlicensed foster home, she was acting strange and she had always given bio mom too many privileges.

Later, when the children were being made available for adoption, she interfered with family; she contacted Miriam via email and with Amanda, called our home.  We were faced with a obtaining a protection order.

Elaine wasn’t the only strange foster family we came up against, but continues to be the most surprising.  Amanda is the most bold.  She still tries to contact Miriam on line.  She really thinks that Miriam has an interest in her.  She doesn’t.  Miriam doesn’t even have an interest in her bio mom.  The person that is really orchestrating all these unstable peoples involvement in the children’s lives.

The most fortunate part is that I have the ability to see any emails or facebook requests and have the authority to deny.  I speak with Miriam about it candidly.  It amazes me that adults cannot make the connection that this behavior is unacceptable.  It is even more amazing that a little girl does.